Test of Today - Self Soothing

Hi, friends.

I debated starting today’s post with a joke. Then I came to the conclusion that if I have to force a joke, then it probably isn’t going to be funny. As with most things in life, you can’t force an outcome, despite how hard you try.

I struggle with control. Be that control of my thoughts, emotions, appetite, or even the world around me, I struggle with wanting to control aspects of my life.

Dealing with a chronic illness that no one see’s, I felt like I could always control the narrative, at least. I could control people’s perceptions of me, despite the fact I could not control what was happening to me.

Going to therapy for PTSD, anxiety, and depression, I learned that my issues around control stemmed from these learned experiences. It became a way of my body trying to protect my mind in a time where I was trying to survive.

I startled to struggle with elements of obsessive compulsive disorder and more specifically the paranoia, but not in the way that I would see it represented on the screen. I thought that I was just being “picky” and everyone had their preferences. I prefer to host people in my space versus going out because I can control the activities, the food, the environment, and especially the guestlist. I stopped socializing as much because I became fearful, not of my friends but of all the strangers whose behaviour I couldn’t predict. I became a hermit - someone who enjoyed their shell, because it was safer than the outside.

While I have gotten so much better thanks to therapy, my family, and of course, my faith, I still struggle. Having a chronic illness that is dynamic, I often struggle with showing up, because some days I’m physically unable and other days, I feel like I can take on the world, only to be very quickly humbled by my own body.

I never had much FOMO growing up and still don’t, unless I am going through a flare up. I have work FOMO. I have girls night FOMO. I have wedding FOMO (majorly). When my body has decided that I am not going to be in attendance, I suddenly feel like lazy, crazy cat lady. I make myself feel worse, despite already feeling pretty crappy.

It wasn’t until my therapist twisted the conversation around on me and asked me if I would talk to my friends or family the way I speak to myself. I sat there, silent, just like the blinking man meme. She was completely right.

If my friend had told me that they were sorry for not coming to my wedding or birthday because they were in sick, let alone in pain and crying, I wouldn’t think twice about consoling them, telling them they should never apologize. So - why couldn’t I afford myself the same grace?

Ever since that conversation and learning about the effects of negative self talk on the psyche long term, I’ve been trying to be kinder to myself. I’ve learned to control some things and let go of others. This is not to say that I’m completely healed and devoid of all self-doubt and anxiety, quite the opposite actually.

I allow myself to feel the feelings instead of trying to shame them into suppression. Instead, I let myself cry; perhaps I coax a few more tears with so dramedy or some cute animal videos. When I’m frustrated and angry, I allow myself take out my aggression on my cleaning products and give the apartment a good deep clean… including punching out the mattress and pillows. By the end of it, I feel a lot lighter in mind and in body.

So instead of belittling myself for feeling my feelings this morning, I did the dishes, went for a walk, and made myself a fall-themed bouquet. I learned that my new favourite seasonable flower is the Helleborus (aka Lenton Rose). When the walk started to hurt, I thanked myself for picking up some massage balls, I might have to go back for the heated blanket though…

I still struggle with control - it is difficult to let go of the reality that we no power over the world around us.

I’m learning to be kinder to myself, confident in my choices, and comfortable in my own skin.

The migraine isn’t gone yet so excuse the brevity and the dynamicity of my thoughts. Today’s test was trusting myself, now we wait to see what tomorrow will bring.

Ta-ta for now.

Disclaimer: I don’t use AI to write, research, or edit my content. I like to use dashes so please don’t fault me for that!