Test of Today - Dissociating

November 16, 2025

Salam friends.

I was watching Selling OC today and someone was snapped out of a “dissociative state” in a scene. I thought to myself, what if a whole day goes by without realizing you’re dissociating?

That’s what being on autopilot is like – it’s a means of survival but its also a measure of how stressed your mind and body are at any given moment.

I dissociated most when I was most anxious and paranoid.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t dissociate or daydream now, its just that I try to be more conscious of when I’m doing it and I try to practice grounding myself instead.

I’m still struggling to get a full night’s sleep this week (I blame Mercury). This morning in particular was difficult because I couldn’t handle a cup of coffee this morning either. As I like to say sometimes – the brain is not braining well today.

I’m grateful that I know the reason for my brain fog today, because for the last decade, I had no idea what was causing it. There were days where I would feel like my outspoken and spunky self, and there were more days where I was moody, anxious, and unmotivated all at the same time. It was genuinely awful, because no matter how much I wanted to be able to read a book or do something productive like organizing the kitchen, which I actually enjoy doing, become mountainous tasks that I can’t grasp.

It’s a part of living with a chronic illness; some days are better than others. I’ve had to learn that I’m not exempt from that. I’m still learning my limitations and the best ways to rest and recover after experiencing a flare up.

I caught myself talking down to myself today, again. I was thinking about how much more productive I used to be, despite not being able to sleep comfortable without a electric heating pad set to the max for several nights. As the saying goes – we are our harshest critics, and that has always been true for me.

There is no one that could make me feel worse about a mistake, than myself. Through therapy, I’ve learned to be “kinder” to myself, but in a way its also just me being more realistic with myself. I try not to harbour expectations for myself that I wouldn’t hold for others.

If a friend is ill, will I force them to meet me for coffee? Absolutely not, I’d tell them to take care of themselves and ask if I can bring anything by to help them feel better.

If a coworker is overwhelmed and struggling with a deadline, do I abandon them and go home early? No, I stay and make sure I do anything and everything in my power to help. If I can’t’ help, at least I’ll provide support in some other way to ease their load.

These aren’t special reactions, it’s what I consider being a human and showing basic empathy and care for the people in our lives. So, when asked why I didn’t treat myself with the same reverence?

I didn’t have a good answer.

So, today, I cleaned up a little, because that always makes me feel productive and like I haven’t wasted the day. I changed the bed sheets – which sucks to do but feels incredible when done. I struggled with my new website (classic). Finally, I wrote this post.

Despite feeling less than fantastic, you (and I) can still get a lot done.

So, the next time you’re pondering whether you have the energy or wherewithal to do something, consider if doing it would make you feel better or worse? If it’s the latter, then why do it at all?

That’s all I have for today, folks.

Till tomorrow, salam!